"better days."

today is a much better day than yesterday. i'm in a much better mood ! because, i know that i need to show the world that i am strong. no one needs to see that i'm weak. because, i know i'm not. alot of forcing is required as i said before, but yeknow. i'm hanging in there. i can do this. even tho it is hard seeing your face everywhere i go ... yeah, it's hard. & it just seems to bring me down even more because i'm remembered everytime i see you on what happened. & that is what killllls me. i see that past in you. & it hurts. but, i'm not showing it. the littlest things bug me tooo. should i go first? or should you? you know, stuff like that. anyways ! point is. i'm trying. i'm pushing myself. & trust me. it is not easy. people say it's easy if you don't think about it. but, i would love for you to be in my position for just a day, & i would like you to go through everything i've went through. then, you'll see how much it really does hurt. man, i don't even regret anything. everything was just wrong timing & no ones to blame reallly. when i do think half of it is my fault. but enough of feeling sorry for myself tho. i'm tryna get through the days ....

today is quinns birthday btw ! happy birthday girl ! (: i hope you like that cake cj gave you, it looked oh so deliscious ! aha ! yeaup ! i hope you have a good one tho ! i can't even go to her party tho :( cause, my cousin's having a birthday party on the same day for her sweet sixteen. so, ima be in stockton on saturday. happy birthday again !

i don't understand the weather today. it is freakishly, hot. it feels like summer all over again. & it's not even spring, i think. hahaha ! man, sheryl wanted me to wear shorts today. but heck no ! it's so cold at school in the morning . aha . i gotta start getting used to the heat tho . today's disney day at school . i'm wearing a mickey mouse shirt + jamie's purple princess backpack . it's cuuuute ! aha !

oh yeah . i hella found out something today that brought down my day ! just when my day was just goood, i find out that. man ! why ! it's life tho. but, some things are just not fair. as long as your happy, i'll be with you every step of the waaaaay.

anyways, back to the subject i was talking about in the beginning. one thing i want to do is return back to the past, i've said that before. & i just wish somehow i can. so many thoughts linger in my head. i cry sometimes because i know i can't. there's no button to rewind back to the past. if i had one oppurtunity to, i so would fix all of my mistakes. & take that chance when i had it. but now, it's all gone. it's dead & gone. nothing is left in you. it all dissappeared. i just wish i could of treated you right when i had the chance. i mean, you did. & i was a total mess towards you ... & again, i say i'm sorry. my heart still hurts. my body gets weak when your close to me. i guess you'll never look at me the same way ever again. marjory always told me, "we want something we can't have." i wish i realized everything right then & there ! when i had the chance. but now, i have realized it but your already moved on ... so soon. why couldn't you have waited longer. i'm already erased out of your mind. your not tho. there's nothing i can do .... bye now.

edit [4:58pm]

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