i can't express what i feel right here, right now. i don't know what to feel. i have been emotionally sick for the past few weeks. it's been eating me & killing me inside. i cried myself to sleep, i woke up having a hard time breathing. it hurts, it really does. everything is a blur, i can't focus. it's just not right. at least today i got to talk to him about it. it felt a little better. because for a year and a half i've never told it to his face before, never. & that's really hard to believe. how did i keep it in all this time. i've never told him verbally. and i did. i straight up had the guts to do this because i wanted to save our friendship. the past few weeks, our friendship has been going downfall. yeah, it's pretty sad. i don't want to loose him. i really don't. and i did this today to save it, to break the silence. for a year & a half, it's been eating me. & i just had to tell him right then .. right now. i don't know what i was feeling tho. emotionless. tears constantly running down my face. you've finally got to see the tears i've cried. you finally got to feel my pain ...
i didn't choose to be this way. i didn't choose you. my heart chose you. yeah, i wonder why do i always run back to you? why are you always in the back of my mind even when i'm feelin someone else, or not. why ? i don't know. & i don't know if i ever will. it just comes to me naturally. it's something i cannot answer. i cannot find the answer for it. my heart just chose you. i'm sorrry it has to be this way. i don't want to put you in soo much pain. i'm sorry this problem has taken it's tole on you. i feel horrible because i know he has more on his mind than just this. things i didn't even know about until tonight. and, i just feel horrible that i put him through this.
no words can ever describe what i'm feeling. i feel it but i cannot say it. i cannot explain myself, fully. the pain & the heartache is just taken over me. why do i have to put up with this. i'm such a nice person. i make the right choices. i do things right most of the time. why do i have to put up with this? why did god give me this heart. i'm soo confused in the heart and mind. it's soo crazy.
i know my main focus right now is school. no doubt. i'm a senior. i'm graduating this year. i have college to think about, a job to think about. what do i want to do with my life. i know school is important. but, i guess for now since october is an important month of school is just to have school was my main priority. focus on that. with this problem tho, all i have to do is lay low about it. and whatever happens ... happens.
i'm just very tired of this. i haven't been happy lately. the smiles/laughs this week have really been fake. just to hide what i'm feeling ... cause nobody really knows and i'm not about to tell the whole freakin world about it. today, i felt like being upset is my only emotion right now. it's being covered by fake happiness. cause really, i'm not all that happy.
i hate when you think it's your fault. because, it's not. don't put it all on you. don't blame yourself. i want you to be happy, you know what. you want me to be happy, i know that. i will be. my heart is just weeping ... and doesn't know what to do or how to fix it. i may not be an experienced person but i've learned. i'm aroud relationships all the time. i know the ups/downs. i know what's right/wrong. i seen peoples mistakes. i know not to make those. i know straight up damn well i won't ever do you wrong. i know that, from the bottom of my heart. never will i treat you like other girls treated you. i know what makes you mad. i know what hurts you. i know. and i try not to make those mistakes.
i don't know what else to say and i'm really not in the mood to pour every detail out here. just know that this isn't a happy story but later on ... i hope it will be.
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