temporary happiness

is what i recieve, all the time. where do i stand? tell me. i'm lost & confused again in this world. i don't know which direction to choose. because, most of my paths i choose, i end up to be in the same place. i always find myself chasing pavements & ending up in the same place even tho i took another route. it's not fair ! i don't get it. i don't know where i stand anymore. i don't know what to do with myself. nothing ever works. is it really worth all of this? we all know the answer is no, i know the answer is no. but do i listen? the answer is still no. you know, and it's not my fault. i can't decide the way my heart feels. i can't, really. i know temporary happiness is the story of my life right now, & i know that's not the way to go. i know i don't need that. but, we all get that. right? i always find myself wanting more of it, even tho i know i can find a much better way to stay happy, you know?

i've noticed that i'm on this never ending roller coaster ride. & i can't seem to get off. no matter how hard i try. i just can't seem to get off. i'm happy, dissapointed, happy, angry, happy, sad, happy, annoyed ... it just goes on. & i still haven't gotten off. that's what you give me. people are saying move on, you'll find someone better .. blahblahblah. but, point is. i don't want to. i don't want to have to go through this whole process again, do you know how tired i am of it? no, actually you don't. once i settle down & find someone & i'm used to that person, i tend to stay there. & it's hard to let go. that's the problem i have with myself. i'm not saying i'm attached, it's just that i'm used to you. & you know, it's hard to shake that off.

i really wish "then" was "now". the whole moral to my story really. i really wish the way i felt now, was then. but, it wasn't. & i can't go back to the past because it has already been written. & you can't fix that. i really wish i could. it's like, the way you are to me now was the way i was to you. but can i go back? no, i really can't. everything takes time tho. but, from all this waiting. what if i don't get anywhere ? then that means, time was wasted.

i'm obviously confused in the heart & mind. i don't like to be tho. i hate how all of this attention i'm giving you doesn't mean much. or did it ever mean anything? you should feel special tho, cause i pushed off someone who i've liked for a long time ... i'm giving you more attention than him, as of right now. & i've noticed, people have noticed. & that's a good thing. but does it mean anything to you ? probably nooot . but it's all goood .

i'm not finna sit here & wait all my life. cause, i got better things to do ! but, everything requires a lot of waiting ... meaning you have to be a patient person. time is all it takes. but, you know. it just hurts. i don't wanna be stuck on this rollercoaster ride any longer. i don't know anymore, i'll just see where the days take me. i hope it's somewhere far away from where i'm at.

"if you have to hurt me, do it gently & let me down easy."

edit[5:05pm]

it's over.
i'm going to have to let go, now. i'm crying for the last time for you.
i don't want to have to face it tomorrow.